LOVE IN THE TIME OF VENMO: WHAT COUPLES ARE REALLY FIGHTING ABOUT WHEN THEY'RE FIGHTING ABOUT MONEY

Money is the last relationship taboo. 

Let me put it to you this way: which is scarier? Letting someone see you naked, or showing them your credit card debt? 

THREE DATES. 

We all know what that implies in pop culture. But how many dates before you talk about your retirement plan?

That’s right: we’ll talk about sex, trauma, and colonoscopies before we talk about our bank account. And people who do talk about money? We think they’re braggy or maybe angling to offer us a life-changing 'business opportunity.'[1]

But we can’t afford NOT to talk about money. It’s everywhere: our jobs, our relationships, our grocery aisles, our therapy bills. The Beatles may have said that “money can’t buy you love,” but let’s be honest: it can buy you three weeks in Tahiti and enough Mai Tais to forget your money troubles. Close enough.

More importantly, money is one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships (Meyer & Sledge, 2022; Papp et al., 2009) and one of the strongest predictors of divorce (Dew, Britt, & Huston, 2012; Serra-Garcia, 2021). 

So why is money so hard to talk about, especially with the people we love the most?

FIGHTS AREN’T FAILURES

Since this is the first article I’ve written with couples in mind, let’s start by clearing up a few common misconceptions: 

1. If you’re really in love, you won’t fight 

2. If you’re meant to be, arguments resolve easily 

3. You only go to couples therapy if things are divorce-level serious

   
   

#1 and #2 are not only wrong but also unfair: long-term relationships take hard work, no matter how compatible you are.  Because you’re not just merging two people; you’re merging two entire cultures (more on this in a moment).  

And #3 is only true because couples often wait until “things are divorce-level serious” before they seek help; many relationships might have been salvageable if they’d come sooner. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that if you and your partner are doing great, it’s the perfect time to come to couples therapy and learn more about how way you communicate and whether you’re on the same page about important things like your retirement plan, your love languages, and the correct orientation of toilet paper.[2]

MO’ MONEY, MO’ PROBLEMS: WHY TALKING ABOUT MONEY MATTERS

We don’t come into the world with a 401(k) or a working knowledge of compound interest. What we learn about money, we learn young, often without realizing it.

Before they entered the movie theater, Julia’s* dad always reminded her, “We’re not getting popcorn. It’s nine dollars and we have snacks at home.” Now, even with a six-figure salary, Julia can’t buy something from the concession stand without feeling guilty. Her husband, Jacob, just wants a Coke and some Reese’s Pieces without feeling like they’re reenacting the Great Depression.

Courtney* grew up in a house where shopping was a love language. Sad? Clothes. Good grade? Clothes. No one ever taught her how to save, only to swipe. Her husband Mike ends up feeling like the bad guy for bringing up the budget. When he hesitates over a purchase, she hears judgment. When she spends, he feels anxious – and like he’s failing to provide the life she deserves.

Marco* heard “money is the root of all evil” so often growing up it might as well be tattooed on him. His parents fought about money constantly and now he wants nothing to do with it. “She’s better at it anyway,” he says of his wife, Dana. “I hate thinking about money. I’d rather not know.” But Dana doesn’t see that as delegation, she sees it as abandonment. She’s left carrying the full weight of their financial future. When she brings up budgeting or retirement, Marco waves it off like she’s talking about laundry detergent: necessary, but not worth his attention. The more he disengages, the more resentful she becomes for having to be the designated adult.

Every couple fights about money.  And most of them think it’s about money.  But it’s not.

It’s about shame, control, and whose reality gets to be “right.”  It’s about how we were shown love as children – and how safety might have been taken away.  Money is rarely just money. 

And most of us don’t realize this until we end up in a relationship staring at a joint checking account like it’s the pit of snakes in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

For Jacob and Julia, money’s not about popcorn – it’s about fear vs. freedom.

For Courtney and Mike, it’s about comfort vs. control.

And for Marco and Dana, it’s about whether or not they’re really in this together.

DIFFERENT CULTURES, DIFFERENT MONEY PSYCHOLOGIES

When two people get together, we tend to think about differences in food, faith, or in-laws. But we forget that every family has its own culture.  This culture clash plays out everywhere, from how we load the dishwasher [3] to how we think about our savings accounts.

One partner might come from a “why not order ALL the appetizers?” household. The other might come from a “we don’t replace socks until both heels are gone” family. Even if you agree on the big stuff – politics, parenting, peanut butter – you might still end up on opposite sides of the spending/saving spectrum.

SPENDER + SPENDER

These couples don’t hold each other back: they travel. They upgrade.  They live well. But they may also have debt, unopened bills, and a general sense of “we’ll figure it out later.”

Spending habits can come from various places: maybe money was tight growing up and spending now feels like freedom; maybe love was expressed through gifts. Maybe no one ever modeled long-term planning because it wasn’t necessary… or possible.

If this is you, your challenge is facing bills and bank accounts together without shame or avoidance. Facing them side-by-side, without blame, can actually be bonding. Like watching a horror movie with the lights off; you’re scared, but you’re scared together.

SAVER + SAVER

These are the people who shop at Costco, split everything into Ziploc bags, and freeze it until 2047. They’ve got Excel budgets, retirement plans, and vague dreams of maybe someday doing something fun – once the mortgage is paid off. 

But ask them specifically what they’re saving FOR, and they often don’t know.  When everything they dream of comes to pass – if they live that long! – they find they still flinch at the $8 artisanal sourdough and reach for the 99-cent white bread. They still fly economy, knees to chins, even though business class is finally within reach.

Because somewhere along the way, saving became the point instead of the freedom it was meant to create.

Frugality can stem from anxiety, control, or fear of instability. You might have watched a parent panic over bills; you might have couch-surfed through your twenties eating ramen you paid for with the change you found between the cushions. Or maybe you absorbed the belief that money is evil and you have no desire to be a villain.  But frugality isn’t a moral virtue if it leaves you perpetually hungry for joy.

Saver/Saver couples are great at planning. But they might struggle with actually living.  If this is you, ask yourselves: what’s all this money for? And are you allowed to enjoy some of it now – not just “someday?”  After all, there’s no guarantee of tomorrow: “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

SPENDER + SAVER

The classic clash: one partner is browsing flights to Barcelona, the other is panicking because you bought brand name ketchup instead of using the packets in the junk drawer.  The spender feels judged; the saver feels anxious. One wants to live, the other wants to survive. And both feel misunderstood.

The answer isn’t to compromise over cheaper ketchup. Instead, I encourage you to investigate each other’s origin stories. Did the spender lose a grandparent who died rich and never enjoyed a penny of it? Did the saver live out of their car at 22 and swear they’d never feel that vulnerable again?  Before you build a budget[4], build empathy.

MONEY TALKS… AND SO SHOULD YOU

To understand your partner – and yourself – start with questions like these:

-          What do you consider worth spending a little extra on?  What feels like a “waste?”

-          How did your parents talk about money?

-          What do you feel when you think about money? Pride? Fear? Guilt?

-          What kind of debt do you have, and how do you feel about it?

-          Do you believe in combining finances? Splitting everything? One person “handling it”?

-          If I gave you a million dollars and told you to spend it (no saving), what would you buy?

 

These aren’t easy questions, but they’re important ones. Without them, you’re not really arguing about the dinner out or the Disneyland trip; you’re arguing about identity, values, and safety. 

TALK MONEY TO ME

We avoid money talk because if feels too private, too uncomfortable, or too explosive. But avoidance doesn’t keep us safe, it just keeps us disconnected. When couples do talk about money with openness and curiosity, they create something radical: intimacy.  You get to explore each other’s values, what makes you feel safe, and what joy might look like for you.  You get to build something new together.

Here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with couples: the ones who can talk about money aren’t the ones who never fight about it.  They’re the ones who fight about it productively. They’ve learned that money decisions are really values decisions, and gotten curious about each other’s values instead of defensive about their own. 

They understand that Julia’s popcorn paralysis isn’t about being cheap – it’s about the little girl who learned that $9 could mean the difference between security and scarcity. They know Marco’s financial avoidance isn’t laziness; it’s protection against the toxic arguments that filled his childhood.

Talking about money is vulnerable, but as a couples therapist, I promise you: the only thing scarier than talking about money…

Is not talking about it at all.

These conversations can be hard.  Even in good faith, you might wind up in different rooms, swearing to never bring it up again.  Sometimes having someone else there to guide you can really help. 

If you’d like help exploring your money story – or the one you’re writing as a couple – reach out.

I have these conversations every day, and I’m happy to create a space where you can have them, too.  

FOR FURTHER READING on money and psychology, pick up "Mind over Money" (Klontz & Klontz, 2009), and “Money for Couples” (Sethi, 2024).

 

*Composite example with identifying details changed to protect client confidentiality.

[1] Ask me about my artisanal gem-water spritzers! Hydration with chakra alignment.

[2] Beards only; no mullets.

[3] Apparently, I approach it like a raccoon ransacking a campsite.

[4] Budgets are important, too, but I’m not that guy.  I’m only an expert on the psychology of money, not investing it.